Eat More, Pay Less!

By the PCBC's premier reporter Sugar Pastures

Featured in Free Lunch Weekly, 2869 Issue #6

At the intersection of 34th St. and Ravniss Blvd. in Abomobad, Bahía Brumosa, there’s a delightful pastry shop called Have Your Cake & Eat It, which I make a habit of frequenting anytime I find myself traveling on that wonderfully diverse and tolerant world. It’s run by a beautiful, city-born woman of a healthy three-hundred or so kilos, named Kleo. Her lard and corn syrup pies are simply to die for, and when it comes to her ½-kg chocolate cupcakes with mayonnaise-based frosting, you can’t have just ten. And though her prices are quite fair, it is inevitable that a girl as buxom as myself will spend a considerable amount of lira on a shopping bag filled with, on average, fifty bars of chocolate-dipped butter, twenty-five bacon fat cookies, five moist, towering pieces of Kocoa Krakatoa layer cake, and a twist-tie bag of homemade Sugarsack hard candies, each piece of which is miraculously (and deliciously) made with an entire two-stone sack of processed cane sugar. The last time I left the pastry shop with my daily groceries, I’d spent a good 260,000L. Then I thought to myself: Why not have someone else pay for it?

It’s an indisputable fact that thick women eat more than thin women, which means a financial burden is placed unfairly upon us, while privileged, underweight women pay considerably less. Independent studies show that, on average, for every ten lira a big-boned Communal woman spends on food, an anorexic Arterran of allegedly “healthy” weight pays only 0.34 lira. This is an expense disparity that cannot be tolerated in a progressive, body-positive society likes ours! It is not the larger woman’s fault that she was born with a congenital hormonal disorder, which makes weight loss nearly, if not outright, impossible to achieve. She should not be shamed for her genetics! Some women might be able to consume a nutritious meal of a XXL soda, a four-patty cheeseburger with a glazed donut bun, three snack-sized bags of butter-flavored potato chips, a ranch-smothered side salad with a topping of crumbled bacon and fried chicken, and one diet program candy bar, and not gain any weight; others, like you and me, have genetics that cause us to gain weight even when eating that same normal, healthy diet. We have a disability, and we’ve already gained the right to the best parking spots, the right to cut to the front of a line, the right to board flights first and pay for only one seat when we’re really using four (how generous!). But these concessions are not enough. One social injustice still stands in our way, oppressing us every day: we are forced to pay more for what we need to survive, while underweight women are given an innate discount in their thin privilege.

A ‘thin tax’ will end our oppression. In the coming month I will be joining the Convergency Ameliorated Legal Union (CALU) in the proposal of a new bill before the Executive Council: the Abolition of Thin Privilege Act. It will include two Convergency-wide laws:

1.     All women with less than 30% body fat shall be required to pay an annual Thin Tax to the state in the amount of 25% of yearly income.

2.     The tax revenue generated by the Thin Tax shall be used to provide food subsidies for all women with over 30% body fat, in the form of a weekly stipend of no less than 500,000 Convergent lira.

In addition to this wise and fair proposal, the Academic Truth and Eliminating Dissent Organization (ATEDO) will also be making its own proposal: The Size-40 Sadie Hawkins Act. When it is passed by the Executive Council by a majority vote, it will ensure that the Convergent academic curriculum be revised to exclude all mentions of “obesity” as having negative effects on one’s health, lifespan and quality of life; new mandated lesson plans will change men’s social perceptions of beauty, so they finally understand that their aversion to having sex with thick women is simply social conditioning, and that there is absolutely no proven link between sexual attraction and visual signs of “health” and “genetic desirability.” Thick women will finally be able to have sex with the men they desire, because to reject a thick woman’s sexual proposals would be an act of shameless sexism. And we will finally be able to enjoy as much food as our healthy bodies require for sustenance, and not have to worry about something as petty as a “budget.”

Thick girls, we have to stand together! If we’re united, nothing can stop us, and we will achieve the Sentient rights we have been denied for so long, even in an Eparchy as progressive as the Commune! Soon you won’t have to be embarrassed when you are forced to use three credit cards to pay for the lunch you, in your healthiness, need so desperately. That underweight twig you see in Arterran magazines will pay for your meals, because she’s barely had to pay a dime in her entire, starving life! Thin privilege ends here! And God save Brock Dunham!

Joseph D'Urso

Aether Press, LLC